Most people think getting pregnant is fun and
just happens. Maybe for some it is, but
for a lot of women, this means months of temperature tracking, and suddenly
becoming overly aware of every bodily symptom during what feels like the
longest two weeks ever, just waiting to find out if it finally happened. After
several months of this emotional roller coaster of potential excitement and
then disappoint that follows, you finally get that positive you have been
waiting for.
I don’t know how it is for others, but finding out we were
going to have another child - even though were planning it - was exciting but
also nerve-racking. I couldn’t help but
panic about the life changing event that was about to happen.
Then, I immediately began wondering what gender it would be, how
the kids would react, etc. I began picturing
this child in every aspect of our life.
From there, all I did was worry and
pray that I would have an easy pregnancy and healthy baby, but I knew, until I
was holding my baby in my arms, that worrying wouldn’t go away.
Every newly pregnant woman can’t help but wonder about
miscarriage. When you do the research,
miscarriages happen 10% of the time in the first trimester. I was blessed with two healthy pregnancies
and births in the past, so I really didn’t think it was much of a possibility.
Unfortunately, I am now part of that 10%, and it is a lot
harder than I thought it would be. After
all, how could something you never met, and only knew about for a short period
of time, affect you that much? It doesn’t matter how far along you are, the
pain is real. From the moment you find
out you are pregnant, you have already started imagining this child as part of
your life. This is what makes it hard.
The moment I
didn’t see a heartbeat at the ultrasound, I knew. My stomach sunk and I hit a shock that I haven’t
felt before. The ultrasound technician
didn’t seem concerned. She just kept
making statements that I was further behind than I thought. She didn’t realize I knew exactly how far
along I was; there was no ‘miscalculation’.
The whole drive home I tried to remain optimistic as I waited for the
call from the doc to tell me exactly how far behind I was measuring. If it was measuring only a day or two behind,
I could hang on for hope, but from the sounds of the tech, it wasn’t just a
couple of days. As much as I wanted to
remain optimistic, I just knew.
It wasn’t long after the appointment that symptoms set in
full force and I knew it was over. All
that excitement we had been waiting for had just turned into grief and sadness.
I couldn’t help but cry, no matter how hard I tried not to. Jared instantly knew something was wrong and
I just told him I was sad about the baby. I tried to just go back to working in
hopes it would take my mind off of it, but I couldn’t keep it together long
enough to work. I was so thankful for
the beautiful day that we had so I could get outside and walk, think, and just
take it all in with beauty surrounding me.
Not long after that, Mallory got home from school, and I
knew I needed to tell her, but I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I decided to hold off so we could go to the
park and enjoy what was left of the day.
As soon as we got back I sat her down and just prayed the right words
would come for what I was supposed to say.
There isn’t a course in school for this. I just started talking. After I told her, we shared a very long sweet
moment of hugging. I asked her if she
had any questions. She said, "No". We
started to clean up and then all of sudden I realized she had left the room. I found her upstairs crying her eyes
out. Again, my heart sank all over again
seeing her hurting. I wanted to take it
away. I wondered if I shouldn’t have
told her in the first place. Even if I
hadn’t, she would have known something was wrong with me. Ultimately, I’m glad we were able to go
through this together. Loss is a part of
life and I can only hope I just helped her develop future coping skills.
Mallory and I talked and we decided to make a
night of celebrating the little life we never got to meet. We decided on Qdoba, Yogurt Mountain, and
then picking up a new game for a family game night. Holding it together while we were in public
was extremely difficult. It was the first time we had seen Eric since we found
out, and all it took was one hug for me to lose it. Throughout the evening, with
every cramp I was constantly reminded of what was happening. Suddenly I became more aware of every
pregnant woman, new baby, and all the feelings come rushing back again and again. The
constant worry of whether or not it was something I did (even though 90% of
miscarriages at this point are due to chromosomal defects) played over and over
again in my mind. It was exhausting. By
the time we were done with the evening it was 7:30. It felt like midnight. I only told the news to a few people yesterday, but with every person I told, the feelings came back all over again. All I could think is I have hundreds of more people to tell. I felt the best way to do this was through writing . When we made the decision to tell people we were pregnant early on, many were concerned about what would happen if I had a miscarriage. Well now they know, and I don’t regret the decision to tell everyone at all. I am thankful that I told everyone. I am thankful they got to share in our excitement, and now I am thankful that they are there to pray with us and support us as we go through this part of the journey. So many women go through this, and I can’t imagine going through it alone. I don’t think many people understand the extent of what those who have a miscarriage go through.
I am so thankful for the great friends and family God has blessed me with, and I can’t help but be even more thankful that I have already been given two beautiful blessing that I get to hug and cuddle every day.
I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know how long the pain lasts.
However, I do know there is no doubt in my mind that I would have regretted not
trying to having a third child, and I can only hope that at some point we are
blessed with another healthy baby.
